My life, my dominion

We all want to hear some things.
It's the things that we secretly yearn for but dun tell anyone. We disguise the want, almost need to hear those things and lie to ourselves that we are independent creatures.

That is why we like, write and sing songs. Not because they express how we feel, but more often than not, because it is what we want to hear.

how do you explain the fact that some of the most popular songs that all guys embarrassingly only sing amongst themselves are Michael Learns to Rock Songs?
And likewise, how do racy lyrics from Britney spears appeal to the male population. i mean, even for the guys who haven't seen the "Toxic" MTV get "interested" when it's played over the airwaves.

okay so take the next exerpt as an example
" you're the one that sweeps me off my feet, makes my soul complete, the only one that makes my heart one to beat and, i never could live with out you......"

do you want to say? that or do you want to HEAR that? and then again, really, i bet you couldn't really guess if this came from a guy song or a girl song. i'm not telling

well this is all really senseless. i'm just stating that its' interesting how much as we hate it we are all tapping to the lyrics of Indecent Proposals "I Swear" or" Dreaming of you" by um i can't remember heh.

OR even how was recite the lines of romance fiction and how come guys are lured to both the exotic girls of anime as are the very very very dreamy lines. believe me when guys say them i get shivers up and down my spine.

yes this is all very aimless. you can go poke at where i'm heading. haha
have a nice day.

well so life wasn't so quiet today.
in fact well life totally sucked today.
yeah.
basically i'm in between projects.
No it's not another phrase to describe joblessness just that i'm sandwiched between stupid jobs. it's crazy. i dun have a job scope and so everyone just throws me things and i can't do anything about it.

sigh, my head really hurts. i really hurts.
i just want the weekend to come.

please why won't it come earlier.

sigh......

Okay time for confessions.

Really i didn't actually make all of that, well not in the strict sense.

It was really a dream that really felt really real. Oaky so i need a reality check. but really i did have a lot of fun writing that little piece. Comments are welcome other than the fact that it is too whimsical.

Anyhow, well yeah, everyone has our dreamy sides. no point hiding them of course i have my fair share of dreamy endings and happy ever afters most too private to say really haha.

but yeah. so what is your dream world like?

share it with someone, you may find that someone who's been dreaming the same thing about you!

so the day would come and go.

Two strangers sitting on a knoll doing absolutely nothing. Very much like charlie brown or calvin and hobbes, spending their summer holidays.

The sun was setting. The sky was now a mess of hues. The borderless colours spreading and blending; everchainging.

For almost eternity, out cloud had stayed still. But as the surroundings started to darken, i could vaguely here a horn in the distance.

As if on cue the cloud started to move and suddenly there were other clouds coming out from the horizon.

She got up.

"It was really nice this afternoon. The cloud's moved now."

I wouldn have looked up but i just stared at the orb that was sinking in the distance.

"Be back soon"

She didn't answer.

Her hair had begun to blend in with the fiery sky as did her tee which was now dyed a dark maroon.

She walked off just in front of me, turned around. Smiled.
I smiled back, was about to raise my hand to wave, but she had already turned around and was soon lost to me.

I sat there till sun would bid me no longer and then i too deserted the island.

oh well, yeah reported sick on friday. i wasn't sick though i was wishing i was.
went to see the doctor regarding my wrenched arm which was causing a bit of problem and my right leg coz my thigh, hip and groin area were all hurting even when i walked.
so he gave me some muscle rub that actually works. hope it ggets better. hmm i think i mentioned this already.brain degrading into some goop.

anyway yeah today nothing much save for the fact that i watched shrek 2. absolutely hilarious. go watch!

It was only then did i actually notice or rather see her. All this while i had only seen her through the corner of my eye a startled stare, but not the observing gaze i usually placed on people i met.

Dark brown jeans and faded pink tee. But of course it was the red hair that was the centrepiece. Straight and shoulder length, she hadn't tied it but was letting it flow free like the grass.

Although it lashed in the wind with whip like motion, it was still a site of smootheness and grace. i smiled to myself, felt a silly really, don't know why.

The rest of the afternoon would pass pretty much in the same way.

She eventually sat next to me as we continued to stare out into our own space with in the common scenery.

Presently a cloub floated by.
"Looks like my, ship," she said as she tried to hold back back a yawn.

" Is it going anywhere?"

" Well not for now, look the cloud has stopped."

We watched the cloud it's wispy fluff just suspended in the big blue.

Our conversation would divert to clouds, ships, ports of call i would love to be that she had gone to.

we threw blade of grass into the wind to watch them float away.

" try to put one on your palm instead of just tossing it into the air." i commented.

" why? i like it when it tumbles away, not knowing where to go or where it's going. So much excitement, so mcuh anticipation."

" well i like to put all my cares into these blades of grass and as the slip out of my hand, i imagine that mother nature just whisked away another of my loads and i would feel better. It's better than shouting at nothing to get it out. I just let them go"

she tried it and for the rest of the day we would be letting our "care" leafs drift off into the plain, whispering our fears, cares, loads, baggage into them as they were carried away.

Her smile somehow glowed even more, i smiled too. it's nice to see other people happy. i'd get jealous, ultimately of the happiness but as of now, this island had two happy caste aways who weren't just about to leave

WOO HOO!!!!!! i forgot to log this before but woo hoo!!!!!! LESS THAN ONE YEAR TO ORD!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FREEDOM IS SO CLOSE I COULD JUST SMELL IT! TASTE IT! FEEL IT! SNIFF SNIFF oooh it's like chasing the dragon, EXHILIRATING.

Yes okay so yah. That's the happiness in a week marked by close calls, sad days and absolutely lousy work.

other than that. well...... yah. Went to see the doctor regarding my arm and my hip, he's sending me for physio. HOpefully that will help. REally, my body is really breaking down. Maybe it's like yesterday's analogy. y body is breaking down.

f
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I started to walk to wards the tree. The lone one just standing at there on the knoll. It wasn't very tall, it wasn't very wide but it was a very nice tree. It's grey bark was smooth totally unlike it's knobbly exterior.

As i waded through the sea of grass, i heard rustling behind me. Could have been her but the wind was blowing and i was too concerned with not walking into any potholes to turn around and look.

I realised only when i reached the foot of the tree that she had caught up with me. Okay i hadn't realised, i was actually startled. i had turned around to see where i had come from and she was standing just behind me! I "jumped" and she started having hysterics.

"i thought you knew"
"i thought it was the wind!"
"don't suppose you mind sharing the afternoon as well." She was smiling so much i just smiled back.
I sat down back against the tree looking at the intensely blue sky. I would see that sky but under far different circumstances.

It looked very much like a blue piece of paper, not cloth but paper, flat, smooth, taut, stretched over the cosmos. The breeze was warm but still pleasant. The sun was shining in but not right at my eyes.

She was standing infront of me. her image silhouetted against the sky. A slight corona had formed around her, as she lifted her hand to shield her eyes.

" find anything out of the ordinary?" I finally spoke.
" this is all very out of the ordinary!" " nothing is ordinary, even if it were all the same, everything is still different. Every blade of grass sways in the wind, but not with the wind"
"you wouldn't be looking if you thought it was ordinary"

"Actually it is precisely that everything is so, well, ordinary. Nothing is that ordinary around me anymore. I like the, constant of this place."

" well either way, we both enjoy it at least. would be totally disastrous if you and i were stuck on this island and we didn't appreciate this."

Only then did it dawn on me that we were on an island. surrounded by the swirling grass, this little knoll was like an island and we were marooned on it.

Okay my dear friends. As my friend you will excuse me if i am a bit gross on this veyr personal bit of the website.

Well basically what have i learnt today? um...... that it is not advisable to wear the same uniform for two days of duty with 3 days of work inbetween, no matter how much you air it.

Okay so i've kinda de-evolved into some slob who still works at his hygiene by washing his clothes every week.... okay so that itself sounds dumb and almost offensive but it really isn't that big a deal. I mean every one of the 768 guys here smells kinda similar. Of course there are the transition periods that are around 530 am and pm where some people bathe and some people don't. If you happen to be the type like me who works till nine at night (okay so some of you study later than that granted but look at it this way, it's work, it doesn't end, there's no break, and it actually requires you to use a large amount of grey matter) then yeah, you start developing your very own quarantine zone and everyone looks at you like some habitat, interesting but ultimately revolting.


Well i never said that i wouldn't talk about anything personal in this blog. Actually come to think of it, this blog has been nothing but personal so why not? I do have my right to "air" my views hahaha.

Okay so i'm being gross coz basically really you can tell i'm just totally losing my mind

have been surviving on 2 hours of sleep for the past few days due to insomnia and work and duty. and well basically i'm just zonked.

and dissed. really this past 7 days has just seen my temper totally shoot over the scale, reach mars then take a short sabbatical at jupiter, make an errand stop at alpha centurai before finally hitting home to the horse head nebula. I've lost it really, i've really lost it. 2 decades of control or less than perfect control. I think well um the best way to describe is the way i am most familiar with now. Take any weapon, ti will ahve a firing mechanism that like all good and proper machines will slowly wear and break down. Therefore after a certain time period the parts have to be tested. I'm pretty much like a weapon eternally put at safe, can't trigger off but have a mag full of rounds just waiting to be expended. and everynow and then the magazine gets un loaded and then i get relief but not for long, i'm checked and cleared, free of ammo, then loaded again and the torture begins again. Well someone basically forgot to do the regular checks on my sear and safety mechanism and well it's worn. and i'm now a runaway gun. Some of us laugh at the metaphor but really, until you've seen a runaway gun, you really don't know how frightening it can be. that's what i'm like. really. Basically if you drop any weapon it would probably trigger off a round. For me, the parts are so badly worn out that well, one wrong touch and i'm just shooting off all over the place.

I'm sorry.

She came to me on a dizzy afternoon. I was just standing there admiring the grass, the tall tree in the distance and she walked right next to me. She asked, "that's a lot of beauty to admire in one lifetime isn't it?" and i replied with a smile, " but it at least makes this lifetime worthwhile."
Only then did I realise that i had actually been talking to someone without even thinking.
I glance right and she wasn't looking at me. She was looking out. At what i couldn't tell. Maybe we were looking at the same thing. I turned my sight to the outstretched lands. "Anything that you would like to take back with you?"
"Yes, all of it. And it's already here. Thank you for sharing it with me".
"My pleasure, though i must be thankful for you being willing to behold it together."

Was on duty this past saturday and finally had the chance to go take a decent bath. I was in my room blissfully getting ready for the freezing shower that would follow when i stepped out and immediately notice that something wasn' quite right.

IT was about 7 in the evening, and being in the west, the sun sets a little later. But it was brighter than usual. ANd there was something strange, almost weird, almost eerie but it was nice. THe grass was greener than usual, everything was so clear and sharp. Then i realised, everything was a peach pink!

THe white walls of the surrounding buildings were all peach pink and everything was in this really hazy shade. IT was actually rather pretty. Funny how a camp can look pretty but yeah it was very nice. Like i've said before, the government took all the good scenic lands to build camps so to compensate for the lousy life but really this was one really nice sunset.

The red haired fairy only visited once. I've tried looking for her, but i just keep slipping at the last moment. Sometimes I get that feeling that she did exist and i search hard in my mind for a clear recollection but in the end i draw nothing but a blank. I can only remember one thing, red.

Have you ever had a dream so real, so vivid, so detailed that you awoke as if you had never been asleep?

Have you ever woken up and remembered a dream as if it had happened in the past? THat is was more a memory then a figment of your imagination?

Or do you ahve that feeling that you had blended fact and fiction in your quest to make a perfect world for yourself.

This is one such story........

Yes my dear friends, i'm bitter. I am SO bitter.

Quite honestly, these weekend has been hell. Yes as usual I've learnt some thing but over all i feel like trash.

Let's start off with work. Dang-it, I get given a project to work on, i rush it in 3 days and finally get told to over haul it at the last minute, which mean ti had to work over the weekend or most of saturday at least. SIGH.......

Anyhow that was just a gripe.
Why am i bitter this weekend?

Well for starters, i got a rather sickening email from a friend (close one) with an attachment about something that I'm known to be rather sore about. And well, yeah i guess you could say i wasn't particularly happy about the insensitivity.

Anyhow, yeah that just set the mood for the entire week really.Then come saturday this a**hole (i have to swear i'm so sorry i really detest this guy) forgets he has duty. Basically my duty is on sunday and this sod happily goes off for a long weekend (unofficial of course, he's just a lazy bum looking to skive off as and when he can) so he forgets and then i have to cover for him. I was so damn gleeful at the fact that he would get in trouble but then I just HAD TO BE NICE not to rat on him. I DUNNO why i really DUNNO WHY I JUST COULDN'T rat on him. I DUNNO, i hate his guts and really so what if i have to face him for another year, I dun care. As far as I'm concerned I can live with this ass for the next year and not talk to him coz after that HE'LL be OUT OF MY LIFE. He can go and live in his (oh I dun club that much but i still tried to pick up girls there) or his ( oh she's not my gf but we broke and i walk around with my arm around her waist nonsense sheesh!) world for all I CARE!
Anyhow, so i had to cover his sorry a**. Luckily nothing happened but yeah. In the end it was quite okay coz i had to work late anyway so i actually saved time. But what ticked me off was that he didn't even inform me that when we swapped he had gotten someone else to cover for him on my original day. So by 730 am i was waiting to file my report thinking he was coming in but when the new duty officer came i had to call to change the name i had entered. ARGH ARHG ARHG ARHG DEATH TO HIM!!!!!!

I could have just made him sign 14 for that. ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah well. HAVEN'T you wondered? Why is it always the GOOD people like us, the ones who play by the rules and are generally nice and cooperative that always end up the suckers? WHy why why? WHy is vengeance only God's and not mine own? I am pretty glad i didn't rat on him, I mean, gloating over my short term revenge would only drive my hatred more but really! I just want my justice. THere really isn't any payback for being GOOD. like i mean where's the justice and rewards for righteousness!!!!
I know where it is, yes i do but really, it just eats me that the scumbags always get way with taking shortcuts.Like this guy faked mc to skip two compulsory events! ARGH!!!!!!
sigh....

Oh well if you manage to see what i learnt from the above rant then i suppose that's good. if not well then just take it that i'm just being whiney

Yeah actually i know i had a really really good blog coming up. THen in the midst of work i forgot.... oh bother.

In the palm of my hand
slipped through the grains of sand
Time stood still
The hour glass would fill
Then the world would spin
As i wonder what had been
My glass is full
But i am not thirsty

That just came to mind, still can't find what was missing. oh bother. heh. darn.

Admitedly, most of you have experienced this before. But i bet if we all had te chance we'd do anything to experience 1st love again. Of at leat the that period of time when love 1st began. Which is something that i will attempt to do now.

For those of you way past this point, this is just a nice time to reminiscent but hoepfully it has no negative effects. For the others who have not gone through the baptism of fire of a relationship, this will be a fore taste of what to expect.

First love is the worst of all Firsts. It's like an;n exaggeration of all first experiences. And most difinitely the prelude to a whole hosts of firsts *hint hint sly wink*

Your first day at school is very much like yor first love; you eagerly anticipate the day. It occupies your whole mind and it is all you ever think about. Everything you see reminds you about it, every single song reminds you about him or her (hang on all songs now adays are all stupid ballads). It is an all encampassing feeling that is near the point of strangulation. THat's when it kinda becomes like hypoxephelia. (FOr those who don't know what this is ask me in private)

ANyhow yes so all you ever think about is the first love. Whether it is reciprocated or not is immaterial. At this point of time, everyone becomes the hero or heroine that will swim the oceans and pluck the moon. Trust me, such nonsensical phrases are bound to slip out of your tongue, if it doesn't, force it out, it's fun heh.

How about the cute little gifts? YEs well all start incurring a budget deficit where governmental spending is eating into strategic reserves.And it HAS to be handmade, if it isn't it's smirks of insincerity and general classifies oyu as a no hope lover. Even if it's for someone who has NO interest in you, it's bound to have SOME effect. Whether they are embarrassed or touched is another matter. Yes, but the gifts will be elaborate, i remember giving a carbboard box (A4 paper box) filled with odds and ends once. Very nice but ultimately very um... pointless in some way. But she liked it so there. And then comes the problem of storage but oh well, you LOVE the person, you just HAVE to display everything. heh.

ANyhow yah so from the thinking, to the gobbledegook to the gifts. Oh yes now i remember the FIRST QUARREL.
IT's bound to happen, it's actually a good thing. If it doesn't, make it happen. COz afterwards you'll feel all warm inside when everybody starts saying "oh i'm so sorry" and"i love you still" etc etc. A little spice never hurt someone.

Of course then for the once sided ones there's always the walking papers. Okay it's not that bad lah, the other side is usually rather sensitive as i've seen. But really the whole chasing game is all about face, how thick yours is that is. I mean if you haven't got the guts to say it then really you should stop wasting the other person's time and more importantly, your time as well. So yeah, if it doesn't work out either try again or accept fate. Trust me, the BIg plan of things works out for the better.

As for the ones that are now in this stage, well i'd say good luck. People are social animals that end up murdering each other. Learn to cherish your other half or adrmiring target, coz really, why spoil a perfectly good memory with negative thoughts.

FOr those still waiting, give it a shot, i mean, get it over and done with, fish don't stay on the hook forever you know?

have a nice day.

Arm still hurts (refer to previous blog)

Worry not dear friends, i haven'tlost one but it sure feels like i have.

Recently i went to take part in a badminton match.

3 points inot the match and i wrenched my right shoulder. It hurt really bad and for some time i couldn't grip my racket after that. In fact right till the end of the of the match I just couldn't do much with my right arm. (If oyu din know i am right dominant)

It then dawned on me that i'd never be able to play even mildly competitive badminton ever. Actually i had known this for quite some time just that i refused to believe it, the injury is old, not new. SIgh ewhat's more it's not coz i don't have the time or chance, i just can't. Looks like i will seriously have to sheath my rackets forever.

It hurt's it really hurt's. IF anything, badminton actually mattered in my life. SOmething that i could play and enjoy. NOw that my right arm is gone, i won't /can't play. SIgh. GUess i'll have to find something else.

Hey ho there *wave*!

Well today there won't be any notes on the sermon because i was just so dead tired that i only caught the first half and missed the rest. So sad....

Anyhow, am going to just share some of the things that i learnt in church though while teaching my class. (Yes i teach a class of sec one kids)

Anyhow, how do you relate to people? To those around you, to your family to your friends, to absolute strangers?

Do you possess a right attitude and relationship with those around you?

i suppose i'd like to share what it means for me to have a right relationship with people.
IN large i used to think that as long as i was nice and cordial overall, then it would be okay. However, as i have seen over the past two decades, that is just not enough.

i'm a very vengeful person, who although forgives, no wait, that's wrong. i forgive, certain people. But there have been a lot of people who have crossed paths with me whom i am just not ready to forgive, and i doubt i will for a long time to come.

I dunno when this started but it's not right. I have come to see that it just makes me very miserable. i don't know why i seem to have this conflict of interest with the people around me but that just happens to be the case. i hate a lot and it's something that really eats me.

well, as you would have noticed, i've been writing a lot about forgiving people and stuff that's a lot to do with how we relate to people especially in conflict. And how we can actually get along better with people. Of course most of it is christian in nature because I'm christian and if there's anything that should govern my life, it would be my religion.

I never really thought much about how my relationship with God corresponded with how i dealt with other people. But recently i have come to see that they are actually directly proportional in relation.

First of all we look at the ten commandments. Other than the first four that state:
1. You shall have no other God's before me
2. You shall not make nor worship an image of me nor idols
3. You shall keep the sabbath holy
4. You shall not use my name in vain

The rest all deal with how we relate to others! Do not steal, do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not covet another's property, do not give false testimony!

And when it came to the greatest commandment, God first told us to love him, and then to love each other.

It then dawned on me that as long as i was right with God in my relationship then i'd be right with people.

Of course, even Jesus had his detractors and enemies, and i too will face them. But I see that God is there for me to help deal with them.

I know it will be hard to change but well i still have to try and i know that i can only get happier.

How about you?

Try to organise activities for 700 people is rather INSANE.
I came back from that yesterday and my body was just screaming PAIN!!!!!! Totally.

My shoulder blades are screaming, my neck is screaming, i can't remember any part of my body that isn't screaming. even my TOES!

Running around is hell i tell you pure hell.

Finished half a bottle of pineapple tarts. Heh pretty happy!

Observe as i stretch out my hand and touch the rain. The rain that comes down in little glass shards but yet looks more like a glazed panel.
If you look carefully, the panel swirls left and right, into and out, up and down like van gogh painting in full motion. The rain is alive!
It prances around you. It darts around you like a clumsy dance partner, banging into you and politely saying sorry. Sometimes it's a careless stepping of the toe, and others it's a full scale whack on a turn on the foxtrot. The wind will slap you like a mother spoken back to.

At times however, the rain is the most delicate of partners, perhaps even sensous. Tai4 yang2 yu3, rain that comes when it's still bright and sunny. Tickles you as it sends shivers up and down your skin even though the sun is still beating down on you. You can feel the heat and yet the dainty fingers on your shoulder and in your hand soothe away all things. ANd you are lost in the moment.

THought i'd just go on a little ramble.

Take a walk down a moonlit street; you'd notice much more than before.
For in the night your eyes widen, your ears are pricked much like the elves that dance amongst the trees.
You can feel the prick of ice as the night winds stab at hairless skin. You weren't meant to enjoy this. Man wasn't meant to venture out into the night like the wild beast, to forage into not the wilderness but into nature itself. We are not part of nature. We are apart from it. Everything that we are sets us apart from nature. We weren't meant survive; we have no fangs or claws to attack, no scales or hard hide or wooly fur to protect. We are nothing that nature made to exist we were put here to live.
Nor are we meant to enjoy the freedom of the night. The void that permeates the space, the beauty that surrounds the dark dark shadows. By design we are not creatures of the night nor are we masters in the day. We are limited, dependent, weak. With freedom comes responsibility; responsibility to self, to family, the surroundings the sky and the sea and the land. The creatures of the air, earth and water understand that. They are linked in a fragile circle that we intruded into. Like a priceless black pearl, one of the countless treasures of the deep. So common place in the depths, yet it shines in its lightless world. Although none bother about it, it is nonetheless a treasure of the sea that all share. Than man came and took fancy. He dove to retrieve the pearl, killing it's casing, killing the perfect guardian and cradle for the pearl. He would take it out of the sea into the scroching sun where it's real radiance is tarnished by the constant beating down of the sun. He would drill a hole to make a necklace the perfect sphere broken.

Take a walk in the moonlight, you fee like a thief. Walking amongst the outstretched fingers of the wood mages and forest guardians. They mask their movements by swaying with the wind and the kindred of nature would have seen that they were moving close and closer but no you do not. YOU walk and walk, and slowly you cannot see you shadow anymore. The brick path is now broken by roots till it is nothing but a dirt track. You look up and the moon has turned it's face. YOu are alone. In nature. YOu are in a foreign land.
You feel the wrath of revenge touch your spine. You feel the dew of fear form on your bare hands. You shiver.

:)

Today's blog got scrapped in the middle of publication coz it wasn't good and well it was just a very strange blog to write heh.
It was titled "the red haired fairy" What that entails you can all go guess. I might reprise it i might not, you'll just have to watch this space. In the mean time things are going okay i guess.
Went shopping and bought fashion accessories. GOODNESS!!!!! oh well then heh i'm turning into a girl.
First the blog then the accessories, maybe i'll do my hair some other time hee!

have a nice day

To all the people who know me are are reading my blog. This is an add on.
YOu're never really alone, coz if anything i'm still here, in this little corner of the world where you can always find me!

Before you skip this entry i would just like to thank all the people who have read my blog. Also I hope that you might take some time to read this post. I'ver realised that some of the stuff i post that isn't about me doesn't really apply or rather isn't easily understood by everyone so now i'll try to like write in like two segments, one that everyone can read and understand and one where those who would like to read on can.

FOr those who would like a more general idea just skip to the portion on "HOW TO FORGIVE TODAY?"

So on we go. Today we are still dealing with forgiveness.
The passage for to day is Matthew 18 : 21-35

In it is the parable of the unmerciful servant. Basically, we have one servant who owes the king or master a few million pounds or 10,000 talents which is about 750,000 pounds of silver. The king is about to throw his family and him in prison before selling them of (each slave fetches only a paltry 30 pieces of silver) to off set the. The servant pleads with the king who pities him and cancels the debt. But the servant in turn, throws another servant in jail for owing a few dollars. The king is furious and ultimately sells the first servant and his family away.

SO we see the transition of the servant from debtor to creditor to prisoner.

We first see the definition of Forgiveness:
It is the concious choice to give up the right to punish someone who has hurt you.
In this case, the king forfeit his right to punish the slave and to write off the debt. Even though he knew that selling the slave would at least gain back some of the money, he decided to let the slave and his family off.

SO what consists of exercising forgiveness?

a) Admission of Guilt: Forgiveness is a result of true guilt. Just as in courts one can never really forgive unless one sees that the other perons is repentant. We can all forgive someone if it is plain to see that that person has been wronged or if that person is genuine in asking for forgiveness which leads us to our next aspect. The servant was quick to realise that he had owed the king too much that he would never be able to pay.

b) Breaking of PRide: One must be mournful and be willing to ask for forgiveness. In many cases we just quickly say sorry and hope the matter is settled. FOr christians, how many times have we prayed for God to just forgive us of all the sins that we have committed hoping that he will just summarise everything and then forgive you. NO we ourselves must identify each mistake we make and humbly ask for forgiveness.
The servant was humble enough to beg the king for forgiveness.

c) Acceptance of pity: When we pity others, we are exercising the ability to see that the person is in turmoil especially when they are sincere in seeking forgiveness. God had pity on us that is why he sent jesus down. As humans we often let pride get in the way and we refuse te pity of others. THis often translates to us refusing God's pity of our pathetic situation as sinners, although we accept that Jesus died for us, we do not realise that many a time we reject God's pity and the fact that we are in need of his pity. TO accept other's pity is to put ourselves at their mercy. The servant was seeking the pity of the king and likewise we hshould seek God's pity and his forgiveness.

d) Exercising of choice: When forgiving we are exercising the choice whether to punish or to be merciful to those who have hurt us. Often we think only of revenge and how to hurt them back be it emotionally, physically or even spiritually. We often hear that to forgive is to forget. That is virtually impossible, we will always remember how others crossed our path and how we want to get back at them. That's where choice comes in, when we are wronged, we exercise the choice not to use past incidents against them but to only deal with the current situation. So although the slate is not cleaned, we choose to ignore it. in the servant's case the king chose to forget about the debt.

SO after all that is said and done, how do we forgive in today's context.

Let us first examine what happens when someone wrongs us.
What happens is that we usually build up a rage, and in that rage we start recounting all the past wrongs that person has committed and in the end we often mete out a punishment that is unwarranted.
THis happens everywhere and is most evident in church, and be warned for this is condemned by God.
We often use spiritual and emotional black mail to get back at each other. I'm sure that for those attached or who ahve argued with good friends, emotional black mail by digging up the past is one common strategy that we all use.

Why is this so? THis is because when we are wronged we tend to focus on the hurt/debt owed us.When we focus on that we start to only see the unfairness and in the end we just want to strike back.

What God and what we should be focussing on is the PITY.
God saw our pathetic sinful state and forgave us based in that. Unlike us where the punishment often out strips the crime, God's punishment (or lack of one) is so much less than the great sin and hurt that we have forced upon his name. When we focus on pitying the transgressor, we can then find the strength to see how much we ourselves have been forgiven in our time.

This was however something that the servant failed to see when he strangled the fellow servant who owed a few dollars.

As a result, the king removed the forgiveness and sold the slave. Thankfully, God is merciful and does not remove our salvation if we fail to forgive. But we doe lose the daily sense of fellowship and cleansing that accompanies us when we forgive others, just like how adam and eve lost God's fellowship when they sinned. And if we cannot forgive others as God has forgiven us, then God himself will be slow in his forgiving too.

Even not forgiving is a punishment to us in itself. By not forgiving, we become obsessed with teh wrongdoing, the revenge. We are imprisoned in turmoil brought about by someone else and God does not lift this burden off.

As it is written in Matt 6:14-15 "FOr if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

"For in killing we are most like beasts
For in judging we are most like men
For in forgiving, we are most like God."
-Anon-

Hope this speaks to you.

Okay, so the title totally be-lies the fact that today’s entry is going to be one sour one but I shall at least start it off with something on a happier note.

As mentioned in yesterday’s entry, my team won the relay. Woo Hoo, happy happy! Really happy, my first sports related GOLD medal, (well okay badminton had but it was a trophy so yeah now got medal too!). And I am elated coz really, we bust our butts training. Can you imagine, having to wake up just to reach the training area before 7 on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, to make things worst, Tuesday and Thursday nights are nights off. Heh.
Anyhow that was a nice spark in my very very bad week.

Well on with the less dark but still sinister event. Anyhow, just today, went for a really early mother’s day dinner with my grandma and parents. The food was excellent and the service was well….. excellent as well! Yeah but oh well the stupid thing that was on my mind was my stupid cousin. (No I’m not being incestful if anyone is to think so.)

Anyway, before I carry on, you’re prob going to see a side of me that you rarely do. I got insanely jealous and I do mean really really GREEN. So yeah, just take it that it’s just a side of me that makes a guest appearance once in a while and then takes a bow.

On with the story:
Yeah so from the start of the dinner, actually during the whole car ride it was like that already. My grandma broke the news to us that my estranged cousins (just guess the back ground from the word I dun want to explain) were visiting my grandma again. And well the oldest one of them told her that she was getting married. To her blasted (he’s not blasted I’m just sore) JC sweetheart my grandma was going on and on about, and how my couz flashed her rock, how she told her soppy story about how she had “WAITED” for him in the US while he was in NS. YAY. Anyhow, yah. You’d probably be thinking “ What the hell is wrong with Mok, his couz gets hitched, why is he sulking?”
Well simply put, the word estranged is the key. For all my life (okay so maybe only 18 years of this life) this couz and her siblings have never visited, called or let alone known the existence of my grandma. All of a sudden last year, they make some sudden appearance in my grandma’s life. Yeah so basically I can’t stand them sucking up to her after having abandoned her for so bloody long. What they want with her I dunno. And really, she like called my grandma and was saying things like “you sure like him one” and all that nonsense.
And well here come’s the part that ticked me off.
My parents decided to tell my grandma that I had gotten a scholarship and that I had shook hands with dpm and was giving her a photo of the event. Much as I dun talk about it, I am extremely proud of that moment, really really really proud. Really, like defining moment of my 20 years of existence so far. Perhaps almost as great as commissioning. So yeah. It was a big deal to me, real big deal. Hey I dun want like my grandma to fawn over it or anything, but yeah at least take SOME delight for crying out loud. BUT NOOOOOOOO all the first thing that came out of her mouth was how tired dpm looked. Then she went on to say how unlucky he was, then something about how other people were sometimes cursing him and how bad that was. Then she turned to talking about meeting a taxi driver who said that Singapore had bad luck over the recent spate of accidents and then she went back to my couz’s wedding.
Oh for all the injustice in the world, the fact that I would be going overseas to study was totally dismissed. Unlike when my older male cousin, (the a/m cousin’s younger brother) announced he was going to Tazmania to study medicine (poor sod couldn’t get into med here or anywhere else and wanted no wait more like demanded and emotionally blackmailed his dad to support him.) my grandma nearly flipped and was like all over the matter. Ah well.
I’ve kind run out of steam about the issue and I dun want to talk about it, its’ a family thing shan’t say more, this is enough off my chest.

OKAY now on to the incompetent colleagues. (Yes it’s now a plural)
Back in cadet days these two SOBs (please please forgive the language from now on) were already rather useless but now that we’re all working they are even worst. I am currently handling 4 projects at the same time and it’s killing me. So when there was one day when I had to go out of camp to represent my unit at a track and field meet (actually I was there ot supervise our participants) I told the guy to cover for me for a particular issue coz he was in the same committee. I gave him very simple but complete instructions (let’s call this colleague J) which was basically all I knew my self. I left camp at 715 in the morning and he called me to ask for confirmation at 0930. I repeated my instructions. When I got back at 1630, he was lounging in his seat when I entered his office (which isn’t mine I was looking for someone else as I was already on another project) he casually told me that he had received the info I was looking for but hadn’t seen my boss for instructions which I had specifically told him to do so and then he sent me this INSOLENT email in which he told me that I should hurry the thing that I had asked him to do. Blasted peace of humus. SO strangely the thing I’m more pissed about I spend less talking about. Strange ain’t it? Ah well.

Yep this tirade ends here as of now

As mentioned above i am just so so tired. had a pretty good dinner with my boss and colleagues.
Still reeling from today's run. Yeah we won not bad, heh just a little smile in a weeked full of crap. shan't grouch too much now. will fill you all in tmr.
in the mean time do take care!