My life, my dominion

Okay so it's 2004! WOO HOO!!! leap year!!!! WOO HOO! ONE EXTRA DAY OF SUFFERING hahaha!!!!
Anyhow yup a leap year is always special coz that means that there's OLYMPICS!!! YAY another day to watch SIngapore flail in sports and very much like Sydney, this year will feature a new democratic state! IRAQ, and perhaps we'll have arabs who have never swam before taking part in a 50m free race and getting a standing ovation haha!

Right other than that just came back from a hearty seafood dinner to celebrate my grandma's birthday (it's early but i'm busy so we do it earlier) anyhow i had not complaints about the food it was pretty good. IT was rather like a Roman orgy, just tonnes and tonnes of food. But but but.. when it came to one of the most important things it failed miserably.

THe wet wipes. Usually i look forward to ending the meal and sounding my approval and satisfaction to the chef and staff of the restaurant by making a very loud pop with the airtight sealed wet wipes but this was not to be. JUst as i was squeezing the tiny packet to achieve the right pressure a whole developed and it just deflated. I was shocked, horrified and felt so cheated. Nowadays, reastaurants are just not giving you worthwhile services. Goodness, leaky wet wipes! What if all the moisture evaporated!? What then? how do i clean of the sauces of 10 different dishes off my chops if they aren't in mint condition! NO wonder our service sector is failing. If even wet wipes can't be packaged properly what about million dollar transactions?????

hahah, hope you had a nice time reading this haha! have a nice day!

1. What kind of attention does God dislike?
2. what kind of attention does God seek?
3. How can we give him that attention

Today we look at matthew chpt 15 where jesus outwardly rebukes the pharisees for their hypocricy (the first time we see such a direct outburst) and subsequently commends a Canaanite woman. (the significance being that she is a gentile)

Attention that God Disdains
- He disliked the attention of the pharisees
-The pharisees were the blind guides of their people, paying only lip service to God while their hearts were directed at the following of the rules. I.e. they were hypocrites. They were very focussed on the outward appearance of being faithful to God by obeying all the laws of man and making sure that everyone followed it that they directed the attention of the masses away from the worhsip of God to the worship of ways.
- The focus of our worhsip is not on what we do but wher our heart is.
-The heart is the soil for God's word. Many of us have hard felt feeling to God's word, we are like rocky soil where the word fails to take root in us. And when the seeds of God's word fails to take root in us then they will be snatched away from us by satan.
- The heart is what meaures out the tressures of our lives. The pharisees on the other hand measured out their treasures not with their hearts but with their standards of rules. This is not to say that we should not check ourselves to see where we stand with GOd, but it should be a matter of our heart treasuring God's word rather than how many times we pray a day etc.
- The heart must value God's kingdom and be willing to sacrifice all for it.
-Obedience was what was taught by the pharisees but Love which is preached by Jesus automatically leads to obedience of God.
Ultimately Stay in touch with God's love.

Attention that God Desires

-the Canaanite woman had no rights even in the presence of Jesus (a jew) and even He turned her down at first
-However he would soon commend her for her faith
 She was interceding not for herself but her daughter
 God loves the underdogs who plead for others
 This shows that they have a heart for others
In the whole of matthew, Jesus only commends two people for their faith, the centurion and this woman. What is most remarkable is that they are both gentile. Why?
-They both made./had time for others.
NO doubt that the Centurion was a busy man, but he still went on his own to intercede with Jesus for his servant. The woman although turned away once still persisted to ask Jesus for mercy, even asking for just a little as she makes a referral to dogs eating the scraps off their masters table.
-If one is too busy for others, likewise, God will be too busy for you.

God wants us to put him as a priority and not just as a sideline. Your time is ultimately His time.

Well, just came back ffrom a wedding. I must say it ranks as one of the two best I've ever seen. IT was really simple, but the items performed were really meaningful and sweet. The choice of songs was excellent and the fact that so many friends had turned out to help the bride and groom made the entire occasion very special. Not to meantion that the turn out was overwhelming.

YUp, for all those of you who are watching Trista and Ryan's stupid Wedding, i can tell you, all the grandeur is squat compared to the love that i saw at that wedding. A couple so together and comfortable with each other getting marriend. Very blissful, sort of the thing that makes you just sigh and think that maybe the world has hope.

YUp haha, me thinking of weddings so way in advance. But really, i would love to have somehting like that as well. Friends all over the place, and just letting everyone i am close to share in my joy. SO nice!

oops, haha, imagine me a guy dreaming of marriage, hahahah! Thankfully only a select few read this blog hahah! Keep secret hor.

Yup well i'll let those dreams waft in my mind. Have a nice lovey day!

Heh, understandably, my previous post was rather worrying. Heh, I won't say that I intended to shock; I don't seek sympathy. Neither do I want to cause anyone depressoin after they have read this blog. But I do realise that it is an inherent by-product of this portal for free expression. Thankfully it isn't that "free". I've yet to let my tongue fun free, as it is now, i can hardly communicate at work without a string of wantonly chosen expletives usually of a similar nature.
Thank goodness I've code changed long enough to at least be able to not speak like that in the civilian world.

Anyhow, as impled by the title i'm um getting better but i'm not better. Er.... let me explain. I've very much like a cancer patient (please i am in no way making fun of them). The problem is still there, tumour, malignant cells etc, bu somehow one doesn't feel as sick. Bad analogy but it's the only one that I could think of.

So yep. Thanks Girl(you know who you are) for the really nice message. Meant a lot. I think i'll get better or at least I'll get numb to this real pain of a life. Haha. There's always a brighter day. And I've been through worse, just not as long, pray, pray, pray, pray that I'll pull through. I guess I've worked too hard, the road to happiness is just there, i just have to wait a little longer.

And yes, feeling a little poetic today. Actually I just stumbled upon a few poems i wrote a few years ago when the English language still thrived freely in my sould. It does have a little to do with my current "problem" but as poetry goes, to each his own interpretation.

King

I saw him
There on his throne
Simple and flat, nothing fancy
But a throne to him
all the same.
His subjects number
the sands of the shore
Bowing to him as they approach
presenting their homage at his feet.
His kingdom only what
I could dream of
Where his want would
carry him.
But i am not like
Him carefree, content, composed.
I want more, nothing
I have can make me a king.
I want the life I want, to
strive for the better.
The beggar has moved on to the next street.

Tootles!

I seriously think i'm a woman stuck in a man's body.
I mean how in the world does one account for me changing moods on a daily basis?
Anyhow let me just tell you about my incredible luck for the past week. Basically i've escaped near death thrice over. I've been dealing with vehicles for the past few days. Just a few days ago i was dealing with the vehicle batteries.
Unlike most of your pathetic vehicles, my vehicle hauls four wet cells that produce 24 volts of electricity, sure this pales in comparison to your 240/220 volts of your home circuit, but my vehicle batteries produce 200 amperes of current, enough to kill instantly or at least melt metal.

any how i was reconnecting the batteries and i had absolutely no idea that there was an errored connection with in the vehicle. Although the first two times i got shocked i was at fault because i forgot to un ground the vehicle, resulting in the short circuit. But after making sure that everything was okay i attempted to reconnect the batteries. THis time the short was so great i not only burnt the battery, i also reduced the wine cork sized lead terminal to smoke, i kid you not. Heh So yeah, i've sworn of all electrics from now on, i'll waste money adn hire an electrician than play with my life again.

----------------------------------Warning----------------------------------
The following entry might lead to empathy and a subsequent depression of the mood so unless you think you're of the very resilient type and can take just about anything that life throws at you i suggest that you don't read this.
Though please understand that what i am writing here is really just me ranting while i'm in a bad mood though i guess you could say that it represents my subconcious.



ANyhow back to my mood swings again. I am currently feeling rather empty.
I think many of you can identify with me and you've probably blogged about his before so here's my take on it.

I am thankful for the life i have had, am having etc. But i must say that it is far from perfect and far from happy.
I guess i've stumbled over the reason why i don't smile much and why i can't smile naturally to me. Smiles haven't associated with me since... i think i remember, um 1994. I know that from that year onwards, smiling ceased to be natural, i remember having a problem with remembering how i looked. Whenever i looked at myself in the mirror i always faced the dead pan expression that i always wear now. When i smiled, i laughed coz i looked absolutely fake so for the last ten years, the straight lip has been my visage.
The reason why? I think it's something to do with how i've lead my life.
My life has been one big ultimatum and this ultimatum had only been lifted too late for the effects to wear off, it had by then become part of me, part of my credo, it had became me. Yes i've been able to fight it off here and there but not very successfully.

In my life, it's either the sky or you crash and burn. I've been thought that failure is a four letter word. I've been taught that you'll be able to enjoy life when you've become successful enough, i've come to realise that that only applies to people who have enough savings/money to last 3 generations of their descendents. The rest of us no matter where we go will end up worried over savings, children, marriage and work. So yes, i'm wondering where my youth has gone.

My youth was spent fufilling everyone's expectations. I'm expected to excel at everything i do. Apparently the term "as long as you apply yourself to it you can succeed" applies to everything in life i mean as long as i wanted to i could be the king of brunei or bill gates. no prob but i'm not, i'm not nearly as talented as the guy who's always first, i'm not smart enough to be einstein, i'm not an olympic medallist, i'm not van gogh, i'm not warren buffet, i'm not brad pitt. I'm ME! I have limits, i have dislikes, i have interests there is a lot to me. But NOOOO, i had to be moulded into what i am today. I am now, insecure, paranoid, highly stressed out and tensioned. I have no personality, can anyone trully say to me "Oh i know what kind of person you are!" can anyone, i sure can't, if you can please tell me, i'd like to get to know me more! i have no hobbies. i have no talents (at least none i've been able to detect). i have no dreams (except to be a you3 yong4 de4 ren2) that's all. I'm indecisive, coz i hate making mistakes, and every mistake i make is like the end of the world. i have no control over where my life goes, and when i on the rare occasion i take hold of the reigns i face life-long derision no matter how good the outcome is. i'm always disappointing someone, i'm always not smiling; what's there to smile about?! I lack social skills, and it's my fault that i am anti-social and don't really mix well. I've got a temper like mount St Helen's. I'd say i'm pretty much frankenstein with a bad attitutude.

All this becuase i've been living the dream of someone else. i've been listening to their wishes, their "suggestions" their "concerns" and i feel so bad not fufilling them that i end up always stuff myself deep into the recesses of my mind. It as come ot a point where even i can't really say why i do the things i do. why do i always have to excel? Is it for money? Glory? NO! it's because they say i must. even if they don't spell it out in queen's english they still mean it in that irritating intonation that they carry.

So what's my problem? well everyday and night, i imagine, what could have been if i had been me? if i had been allowed to explore me, to bash through the jungle of my mind and seek out the treasure of self-awareness. If this and If that. Or the why didn't i's. My life, isn't mine, never was for the past 20 years. I've spent my whole life doing status reports, and evertime i don't give one that is exactly as wished for i get condemned. funny isn't it?

That's all that i can manage for now. Have a nice day! :)

Hey there people, as promised i'm not writing something more cheerful.
Actually this is just a devotional that i though i'd share with everyone. For all the Christians out there, i'll try to share one a week for all you lazy bums who don't do your quiet time. For the non-Christians, some of what i say might not apply to you or mean much, but i think it is still meaningful stuff. If you'd like to know more, you know how to reach me! So do enjoy.

Okay this week's devotional is about leading an unbearable life.

The devotional comes from Matthew 14, it is the account of Jesus walking on water.

But firstly:

Worry, is just the distressed mulling over an issue that one does not have control over.

Stress is acute worry, and often the stress is over an issue that when played out, doesn't hurt as much as imagined or at least lasts much shorter.

Fear, is acute stress, the outcome is somewhat imminent and the consequences dire.

All three lead to an unbearable life.

Now from the account of Jesus walking on water we see three steps in leading a peaceful life free of the above mentioned pains.

1. Visible storms are good for us
In our lives, we face numerous storms. Some are visible, and some are silent. We will dwell mostly on the visible storms for today. But here is a brief on silent storms. We don't know about our silent storms until they're over. Many a times the only way we discover our silent storms is when we accidentally stumble upon the divine intervention that God has placed for us when we did not even know it. What this says is that God is always protecting us( everyone, christian, and non christian alike) even when we don't know that we need the shielding.

So what about visible storms? They are what build us up in our relationship with God. It is through such storms that we see God clearly and tend to grow. As we all know, the hard praying during exam period syndrome hits everyone. Likewise, during crisis, somehow everyone does quiet time a lot more regularly. When things are going well, we tend to neglect our disciplines, let our guard down and that is why it is always good to know that God has our back especially during peaceful times (as stated above)

In matthew 14: 32-33, we see how jesus just sent his disciples away from the thronging crowd of 5000 men (which had grown in emotion that they were ready to lead an uprising in jesus' name, very large potential problem) and straight into the arms of a brutal storm. Now why would he do this? That's because he wanted to show his disciples his true power and to coach them to have faith. Had he not done so, Peter would have never been able to walk on water and gained that precious lesson in faith which brings me to the 2nd point.

2. YOu are never alone in a storm
Often when we are in crisis, we actually may forget God. When the disciples were sent out into the storm they forgot that the Son of Man was just at the shore and failed to cry out to him for help. Imagine God was just there and they forgot about him. But what did Jesus do? Did he forget them? Did he forsake them? NO! He walked over to them on his own accord!
God never likes to see his children suffer so in your time of need he will come to you!Of course GOd expects us to reciprocate his love. Which is point no. 3.

3. Do not be passive about your relationship with God in a storm.

Peter set a really good example of walking up to Jesus amongst the raging waves and wind. Although he ultimately became scared and fell into the water halfway to Jesus, he learnt a very good lesson in faith as did the rest of the disciples. What more, Jesus did not let him just sink, Jesus reched forward and pulled him out! Likewise God will pull us out of our troubles when we call out to him and put our faith in him!


So the main lesson to be learnt is that there is help out there, help that we can trust upon and rely upon. Except that sometimes we let stress boil so muc over us that we fail to recognise help. It's pretty much like the story of the guy stuck in the church in a flood and him asking God why he wasn't saved. So yep, i guess the rest of the interperetation is up to you!

Kudos and have a nice day!

I think that nothing tickles you or affects you better than memories.
They are your only link to the great old times, and the only lessons that you will remember. And somehow, memories though so important are usually disregarded by all of us. We don't make the effort to keep them well neither do we actually see the point in capturing them. Yeah, we all have photos but they aren't that good a representation.

True memories are the ones that you can pull out and reflect upon. They are the ones that you will always enjoy no matter how many times retold, they are the ones that make you smile for no reason while waiting at the bus stop, they are the ones that fill your dreams.

So for all you busy people out there. take a moment and try to remember. Just try to remember, and all those beautiful memories will just come to you.

I actually had something nice and poetic going round my head but yeah guess i didn't get to the blog fast enough.
It had something to do with hmm now even i forget what it was about.

Oh yeah this is just some other little quote for all you people.
"when one has so much held close to your heart, it is a very heavy burden to carry. And sometimes these things are what are holding you back. When one want's something else very badly, one will have to forsake a keepsake. We can only have so much space in our hearts and perhaps to love something/someone requires us to be cruel to another"

wonder if this makes any sense haha!
have a nice day!

WE are always blaming luck for just about every darned thing that has every happened to us.
Now, let me bring forth another idea:

In this world there is only eventuality and not coincidence.

stars by dubstar

is it asking too much, to be given time,
to know these songs, and to sing them.
is it asking too much, of my vacant smile,
and my laughing lies that bring them.
but as the stars are going out,
and the stage is full of nothing.
and the friends have all but gone,
for my life, my god, I'm singing.
we'll take our hearts outside,
leave our lives behind,
oh, watch the stars go out.
we'll take our hearts outside,
leave our lives behind
oh, watch the stars go out.

is it asking too much, of my favorite friends,
to take these songs for real.
is it asking too much, of my partner's hands,
to take these songs for real.
but as the stars are going out,
and the stage is full of nothing.
and the friends have all but gone,
for my life, my god, I'm singing.
we'll take our hearts outside,
leave our lives behind,
oh, watch the stars go out.
(x2)
we'll take our hearts outside,
we'll take our hearts outside,
leave our lives behind,
oh, watch the stars go out.
(x4)
oh, watch the stars go out.
(x2)

I'm a dreamer, i totally, absolutely and positively admit that. I'm hopeless. I dream 24/7 really. I'm also the hopeless romantic ( okay not that hopeless, i don't read romance novels but i do enjoy a good love story anytime AS LONG AS IT'S NOT KOREAN)
yup, i just spend my days dreaming of well you know what, so dun ask. No there is absolutely no erotic material in them absolutely none. Just good clean imagination.
I have no idea why i take to dreaming that much, like i said before, maybe i'm just trying to escape from this life. i mean when i doze off/ fall asleep and dream those nice wonderful utopic dreams i actually do smile in my sleep. And well, let's just say reality just likes to slap me real hard when i awake. I would just sure like to slip into a nice coma and just dream my life away, that would be nice wouldn't it. i'm quite sure my mind can handle a few years of absolute silence and segregation from the rest of the world.
And well, at least when i dream i've got lots of friends. Yeah i do have friends in real life but at present they are mostly far away even if they are good friends. LIfe tends to be really lonely where i am. Had to be so blastedly wrenched from one group of friends and dumped into a quagmire of a**holes, yeah there are a few nice guys who are my friends but it's the whole surrounding that just killing me, and it ain't doing it softly.
I sure as hell didn't work so hard just to get here, i don't deserve this, i don't want it so why the heck am i here? Why is always the lousy basta*** that get away with the easy life while those that bother (e.g. moi) ending up with the life that just totally sucks the breathe out of you. MAN, i just don't get it.
And yes, this is turning into a very ungodly blog what with all the swearing and lamenting. i know where the answers are, but they're just so hard to accept. blah blah blah.........
Oh yeah valentine's day is around the corner.
Heh i always thought it was a funny day. Imagine, most major celebrations like christmas and new year and celebrated during the eve and not the day itself right? and on the day itself, most people try to make the most of it by having parties and such but somehow, valentine's day for all it's importance to lovers across the glove, seems only to involve the last 5 hours of each day, i.e. 7-12pm!
funny right? it's like some kind of competition, where everyone kinda competes to see who can spend more money, and do more mushy romantic stuff in that short 5 hours. and one the clock strikes, everything (including the price of flowers thank you) goes back to normal, the winners get boasting rights for the next week of so while the losers just walk around with the nagging feeling that their next valentine's day is going to be a rather lonely one. Funny ain't it.
Somehow, the entire human race chose 5 hours out of 365 days to show off how much they loved their significant other halves. But hey i mean, wouldn't it be well "sweeter" (ewww so saccharine) if you like spread out the loving throughout the whole day or maybe even a year?
i mean if i were a girl, i'd rather get exotic flowers for no special reason on just a normal day rather than knowing that my stupid boyfriend went to spend too much on a bad bouquet of very ugly roses. There so yes valentines day should be everyday.
and here's a another reason so, and this one is for all the singles out there.
YOu blasted couples had to have it all in one day so you can all have that better-that-thou attitude where you get to cuddle in public while singles scurry around trying to busy themselves in the day so that they don't feel that utter loneliness. I mean we all admit it, we all need someone to hug, and things don't get easier if all you see are people are hugging and you're just rushing home to your little room to well um.... sleep?
Yup so this valentine's day, go have some fun with friends, loved one's have another 364 days. :)

I live in a valley. And up the slop that leads to the main road outside there's a highway flyover. When i look up from my house at night i can just see the street lights. and even the lamp posts are shrouded in darkness so it's really nice coz above the houses and trees higher up on the hill there's this row (it's not even neat but it's all haywier, dunno why) of bright yellow lights. very pretty.

And that's about all for happy thoughts. haha. sad isn't it. The day was monotonous. as it usually is, i'm dead tired and well yeah i think i'll just end here.

See you all tmr

I think socialising is a drug, really.
It's like clubbing, you get into the lifestyle and you just don't want it to end.
YOu go socialising, you see all the glitz and glam and then you just start day dreaming about it 24/7 like a total fool. Gee whiz, i feel so um um superficial. So that's what's happened to me now, i'm so empty i have nothing in my mind except one night of fun. Crap....
Yes it was fun, a good break from the monotony of life but yeah does it have to dictate my every thought right now? HELP HELP brain is very very woozy.
YUp this is pretty much like what i wrote after prom, i just can't remember the which year. I was rather sarcastic and melancholic about it, heh. Well that's me, old bad attitude nerd. muahahahahahhaa
I think i've really descended into a world of escapism, i try to find make belief worlds in cartoons, toys, and day dreaming. What a sad case. I'm pathetic. I just really really hate this life of mine right now. Iv'e got so much ahead, why the bloody hell must this damnned obstacle come in front of me????? CRAP CRAP CRAP!
SIGH...............
Someone just shoot me

YOu know, i didn't lead a particularly great childhood. I didn't lead a particularly great teen hood. I mean yeah i did some pretty fun things, and i can say that i did quite a lot of good stuff.
But i just feel so empty. Dunno why.
Actually i do know why. I'm a social spastic. I absolutely lack EQ, and have no way of interacting with other people. I'm a detestable bastard, with a lousy personality and the mentatility of a pool of mud, all murky and disgusting.
All my life i was hiding behind, books, work and this false sense that if i worked hard enough that i would be able to enjoy life more later. Now the days are busier than ever, and i have even less to enjoy.
I constantly hole my self up in private sessions of personal joy coz i know that if i were to join in group fun i would lose myself or that i would have to pull the plug sometime and get ridiculed for it.

Somehow i did get a bit of my social life back in gear. Wonder how long it will last. my last social engagement will end in a few hours time. SIGH........
oh well............

FInally a have completed one phase of my military training and graduated as a bloody officer.
One wonders if that's a curse of a blessing. Either way i'm not so rosy about my future. Just got wind of my posting, more grim news. Being posted to a combat unit which now means really busy weekends and the like. SIGH! Getting really tired of this life. i didn't choose, i swear. I totally swear i didn't want this.
To think that i was actually INSANE enough to look forward to all this insidious suffering before it all started. oh how blind and naive i had been!
BAH. ah well, at least i still have a few weeks of life still.
Actually, 2003 had pretty much been like that. Rude shock after rude shock, it had started out pretty well but as in progressed it just became one lousy day after another. quite honestly God has just about been the ONLY thing that has kept me sane. I can't even claim to be sane anymore. I'm seriously going a bit insane. i'm wild, uncontrolled. I've changed, i'm no longer zany, i'm practically a maniac. Who am i? What am I? All these questions.

And now another thing. LIfe just seems so painfully short doesn't it? Just last year i knew a pair of twins. not personally but happily acquainted with them. Within the last year, one of them died. I hadn't know. I now teach the one that is left. And i still didn't know. I felt it odd that one of them wasn't in my class but i thought, maybe she's ill or something. Until one day the one left tells me, "i keep having dreams of her." That's when it hit me.

YOu'd think that at 20, helping a 13 year old cope with her problems would be rather simple. But how exactly do you handle death? THis is the 3rd death that i am directly or indirectly linked to the deceased this not counting those whom i knew but never really mixed with. Good ness how do you handle this? How?

Well just had a very meaningful chat with a friend for a whole hour. Something that i haven't been able to do for ages. I guess in the end you do need someone to just cry out to. Be it God or just a friend, we all need some concrete outlet.

I tend to bottle up things. And nowadays i've learnt how to spot the symptoms of me about to blow. and i guess it's good coz i need to do that if not i'll just collapse really. Had a couple of breakdowns and they don't do me an inch of good. So yeah.

To the friend who listened to me and talk me through. I am very very grateful. Seldom do i have someone to just listen to me, so hard to find some responsive silence. Heh, so for all those lonely souls out there who feel something just raging inside of you, find a friend and just talk i assure you you'll feel better