My life, my dominion

I seriously think i'm a woman stuck in a man's body.
I mean how in the world does one account for me changing moods on a daily basis?
Anyhow let me just tell you about my incredible luck for the past week. Basically i've escaped near death thrice over. I've been dealing with vehicles for the past few days. Just a few days ago i was dealing with the vehicle batteries.
Unlike most of your pathetic vehicles, my vehicle hauls four wet cells that produce 24 volts of electricity, sure this pales in comparison to your 240/220 volts of your home circuit, but my vehicle batteries produce 200 amperes of current, enough to kill instantly or at least melt metal.

any how i was reconnecting the batteries and i had absolutely no idea that there was an errored connection with in the vehicle. Although the first two times i got shocked i was at fault because i forgot to un ground the vehicle, resulting in the short circuit. But after making sure that everything was okay i attempted to reconnect the batteries. THis time the short was so great i not only burnt the battery, i also reduced the wine cork sized lead terminal to smoke, i kid you not. Heh So yeah, i've sworn of all electrics from now on, i'll waste money adn hire an electrician than play with my life again.

----------------------------------Warning----------------------------------
The following entry might lead to empathy and a subsequent depression of the mood so unless you think you're of the very resilient type and can take just about anything that life throws at you i suggest that you don't read this.
Though please understand that what i am writing here is really just me ranting while i'm in a bad mood though i guess you could say that it represents my subconcious.



ANyhow back to my mood swings again. I am currently feeling rather empty.
I think many of you can identify with me and you've probably blogged about his before so here's my take on it.

I am thankful for the life i have had, am having etc. But i must say that it is far from perfect and far from happy.
I guess i've stumbled over the reason why i don't smile much and why i can't smile naturally to me. Smiles haven't associated with me since... i think i remember, um 1994. I know that from that year onwards, smiling ceased to be natural, i remember having a problem with remembering how i looked. Whenever i looked at myself in the mirror i always faced the dead pan expression that i always wear now. When i smiled, i laughed coz i looked absolutely fake so for the last ten years, the straight lip has been my visage.
The reason why? I think it's something to do with how i've lead my life.
My life has been one big ultimatum and this ultimatum had only been lifted too late for the effects to wear off, it had by then become part of me, part of my credo, it had became me. Yes i've been able to fight it off here and there but not very successfully.

In my life, it's either the sky or you crash and burn. I've been thought that failure is a four letter word. I've been taught that you'll be able to enjoy life when you've become successful enough, i've come to realise that that only applies to people who have enough savings/money to last 3 generations of their descendents. The rest of us no matter where we go will end up worried over savings, children, marriage and work. So yes, i'm wondering where my youth has gone.

My youth was spent fufilling everyone's expectations. I'm expected to excel at everything i do. Apparently the term "as long as you apply yourself to it you can succeed" applies to everything in life i mean as long as i wanted to i could be the king of brunei or bill gates. no prob but i'm not, i'm not nearly as talented as the guy who's always first, i'm not smart enough to be einstein, i'm not an olympic medallist, i'm not van gogh, i'm not warren buffet, i'm not brad pitt. I'm ME! I have limits, i have dislikes, i have interests there is a lot to me. But NOOOO, i had to be moulded into what i am today. I am now, insecure, paranoid, highly stressed out and tensioned. I have no personality, can anyone trully say to me "Oh i know what kind of person you are!" can anyone, i sure can't, if you can please tell me, i'd like to get to know me more! i have no hobbies. i have no talents (at least none i've been able to detect). i have no dreams (except to be a you3 yong4 de4 ren2) that's all. I'm indecisive, coz i hate making mistakes, and every mistake i make is like the end of the world. i have no control over where my life goes, and when i on the rare occasion i take hold of the reigns i face life-long derision no matter how good the outcome is. i'm always disappointing someone, i'm always not smiling; what's there to smile about?! I lack social skills, and it's my fault that i am anti-social and don't really mix well. I've got a temper like mount St Helen's. I'd say i'm pretty much frankenstein with a bad attitutude.

All this becuase i've been living the dream of someone else. i've been listening to their wishes, their "suggestions" their "concerns" and i feel so bad not fufilling them that i end up always stuff myself deep into the recesses of my mind. It as come ot a point where even i can't really say why i do the things i do. why do i always have to excel? Is it for money? Glory? NO! it's because they say i must. even if they don't spell it out in queen's english they still mean it in that irritating intonation that they carry.

So what's my problem? well everyday and night, i imagine, what could have been if i had been me? if i had been allowed to explore me, to bash through the jungle of my mind and seek out the treasure of self-awareness. If this and If that. Or the why didn't i's. My life, isn't mine, never was for the past 20 years. I've spent my whole life doing status reports, and evertime i don't give one that is exactly as wished for i get condemned. funny isn't it?

That's all that i can manage for now. Have a nice day! :)