My life, my dominion

FInally a have completed one phase of my military training and graduated as a bloody officer.
One wonders if that's a curse of a blessing. Either way i'm not so rosy about my future. Just got wind of my posting, more grim news. Being posted to a combat unit which now means really busy weekends and the like. SIGH! Getting really tired of this life. i didn't choose, i swear. I totally swear i didn't want this.
To think that i was actually INSANE enough to look forward to all this insidious suffering before it all started. oh how blind and naive i had been!
BAH. ah well, at least i still have a few weeks of life still.
Actually, 2003 had pretty much been like that. Rude shock after rude shock, it had started out pretty well but as in progressed it just became one lousy day after another. quite honestly God has just about been the ONLY thing that has kept me sane. I can't even claim to be sane anymore. I'm seriously going a bit insane. i'm wild, uncontrolled. I've changed, i'm no longer zany, i'm practically a maniac. Who am i? What am I? All these questions.

And now another thing. LIfe just seems so painfully short doesn't it? Just last year i knew a pair of twins. not personally but happily acquainted with them. Within the last year, one of them died. I hadn't know. I now teach the one that is left. And i still didn't know. I felt it odd that one of them wasn't in my class but i thought, maybe she's ill or something. Until one day the one left tells me, "i keep having dreams of her." That's when it hit me.

YOu'd think that at 20, helping a 13 year old cope with her problems would be rather simple. But how exactly do you handle death? THis is the 3rd death that i am directly or indirectly linked to the deceased this not counting those whom i knew but never really mixed with. Good ness how do you handle this? How?