My life, my dominion

i am so losing it right now.
i admit it i am going crazy about the money that hasn't arrived.
And while i sometimes think that i've got over the craze i start thinking that God will then reward my turn in faith and peace with the damnned cheque. of which he has most obviously not and i dro pback into despair.
of course then i go do quiet time to day and it's about not languishing in God's blessing but to realise that the life of faith is all there is to it. we get some blessings initially but ultimately it's not about God buying our faith.
i'm just confused i'm at the point where i have NO idea what i'm thinking. my head is always thikning two thoughts at the same time and palying mind games with myself and setting llittle personal paradoxes. i'm no schizo, i don't ahve voices in my head but i'm doing a heck of a good job talking to myself in multiple personalities.
couple that with the fact that i'm getting nowhere with my conomics work and this is worrying the heck out of me coz basically i can't afford to screw up my grades.
i'm really going out of my mind at the moment. i've prayed tried praying, i'm really tired and confused and very distracted. All this while i've basically been living a fatalistic life trusting that God will make my choices work out, right now i dont' ahve choices i'm just totally lost and flaggergasted and fish out of water, i want to shout scream and just throw myself against the wall but i don't have anything to do it through. i'm increasingly losing my cool during archery, i'm shooting like crap. i'm getting annoyed by everything. i really really really need His peace now. i've asked for it i'm not getting it or amybe i'm just not accepting; there you see what's happening? i'm second guessin myself to the point it's unbearable.
HELP!

Labels: Diary

Hmm okay let's update me wee blog.
Things i have learnt about myself. I am paranoid about EVERYTHING. Which doesn't help coz i have a short fuse and i nearly let fly on wednesday at someone during archery. Sigh.......oh well, at least i bought them a pint after. (NOTE: i DO NOT buy alcohol as gifts, we're in the PUB and the ONLY beverage is ALCOHOL. which is why i carry two litres of water with me to socials all the time.)

right okay i actually typed a nice little ditty the toher day but blospot died on me so here i am try to remember what the hell i wrote.

I am the end of eternity
The vision of the void
The loathing of love unconditional
The shadow of the sun
I am the calm in chaos' embrace
The answer without asking
The I in you
The you in us

i'm still trying to figure out what it means. hehe and of course refining it. i start nicely sometimes but have a horrid way of trying to end it all... the alternative last two lines could be

The contradiction of conformity
I am but in between.

Dunno haha comments are welcome as always. even if you have NO idea what is going on thru my mind, wll then again even i don't... whee!

tired, got LOADS of work and i'm looking at a bunch of maths undergrads doing their test online in the next room. so intersting. doing maths on a comp. what ever happened to good old paper??

i love maths

Labels: Diary

I guess we all ike to think that we are all healthy individuals. I like to think that i lead a particuarly healthy lifestyle. Okay so i eat mars bars quite regularly but what else do you expect me to do when i can't get dinner on tuesday and thursday till like 9pm??

Anyhow i blame it solely on the freshers. Stupid gits have to bring in all those germs from foreign places. i think my NS honed immunity to germs ingeneral has basically broken down but honestly, with the amount of filth in london, you'd think 3 months there shuld be enough to build it back up again. but i was so wrong. by now i've suffered over a week of sore throat. my nose finally cleared up on monday morning. not after it agonised me to struggle to hit 504 on a portsmouth. could hardly breathe at each shot. i'm now revising my target this year to 540. in anticipation that i want to take part in nationals back home in the summer.

right what else..... oh yes my new shoes. I've been waxing lyrical about my new acquisitions for the year of TWO yes TWO pairs of CLARK shoes. well yes they are ridiculously expensive athome but they are quite cheap over here and when they go on sale, WHOOPEE!! so for this year i bettered last year's buy one get one free offer by getting two shoes for the grand price of £30! yay!!!!!! so that's two pairs of all leather shoes for less than 100 dollars. i am a satisfied man. now i have, boots, casual, semi-formal and formal shoes. shoes for all occasions. now all i want is sandals.....
anyhow we went shopping at cheshire oaks (BIG RETAIL WARE HOUSE) and i dunno, why can't people shop efficiently. i basically had done all my shopping, surveyed all the shops (and even the ones in the neighbouring shopping centre) by 3 (we started at 1130) and i meet people who still haven't done a whole round. I mean it all came down to impulse shopping by the end of HAVING to get a £10 pair of liev's okay so they're levi's so wat? do you HAVE to buy them hen you've got 5 min left??? oh well guess big business wins here. Oh yeah i also bought a replacement pistachio v-neck sweater, to replace my lovely olive green bossini one. And now for the record i have officially changed gender for two whole paragraphs.

Oh yeah notts ames. i wanna go. but then iv'e got an econometric test on tuesday. ah well shan't play too much guess i'm not going. Why is everything clashing this year???? first i can't go to the isle of man coz it clashes with my planned triip to San Fran and now this..... sigh, God's tell me to buckel down and start working i guesss.

bugger this cough. hopefully it'll be gone by this friday then i can score another proper round.

Right getting off to do econometrics on this comp now. CIAO!

Labels: Diary

It's 915 am and i really ought to be trudging to school but the summer lag has still got it's hold on me.
I wake up today at 8am to find out that my once free friday has now been shattered. WBS has now given me a 10-11am seminar slot. DARN! I desperately look for another slot but don't find one save for fridays 9-10. which honestly does not appeal to me. i could go for thursdays 10-11 but oh well i already have thursday mornings off so i don't want to do anything to jeapordise that. so what does that leave me with? Well it now means that i have to catch the 5 to 8am bus to campus so that i am on campus when the library has just opened. This will give me roughly 2 hours before seminar and 3 hours after to do two slots of studying and an hours slot in the gym. this means that i have to fit in a 1 hour slot of weight training in the gym on thursdays and tuesdays to make up for the lack of conditioning on friday and wednesday. The problem is tha ton tuesdays i have seminars at 9, 11, 2 and 4 thus giving me LOTS of little breaks inbetween which is VERY annoying. oh well just have to live with it. so essentially i will be spending mondays, tuesdays, wednesdays totally in uni. i have yet to decide if i want to come inearly on thursdays mornings. right great start to the wek,.

oh yes tithing. I like tithing. Not because i like people to know that i'm giving back to the Lord. But honestly, ever since i began tithing regularly a tenth of what i had since NS each time i put the money into the bag/basket/box each month i feel a great sense of relief. Whenever i have not done it i feel honestly buggered the whole week becuause i feel that i've been stealing from God. This week i've been holding back on my tithing of the earnings i made during summer and this month's allowance because i'm still waiting for a cheque from my very tardy landlord in london.
Why? coz i like money. i like having it in the bank so that i can spend it. and i keep thinking,' i'll tithe once the money comes' but at the same time i 'm spending money rather unscrupulously on holidays and other things. Contradictory right? sigh..... Yesterday morning in church i had writtent eh cheque and it was in my pocket. i was still comtemplating not giving it till i read the account of Ananias and Sapphiras in Acts 5. Then i was convinced that what i had been doing all these months was enjoying God's blessing and stealing from him at the same time. So what if the cheque does't come. i'm just starting from square one then. I would have learned a lesson in landlord tenant relationships, and plus the money is God's to begin with, who am i to say that it is mine and i will decide what will happen to it. Who am i to hold God in credit and wait for more money to come in. Its like saying that i will keep an account with God and when i have enough, then i'll tithe the total amount due. No that is wrong. And i felt much better as i slotted the money into the box. I don't feel pride for i am only doing what is due of me. It really was relief when i did that because i am returning to God what is rightfully his not giving out of my own. Even if i offer more offerings on top of that, it is still God's anyway. That said i still hope the cheque comes in. it was supposd to be for my parents. oh well.

right on to other things. I told PX the other day that God doesn't work in mysterious ways, instead He works in freaky ways that it just scares me. Why?Well as of this morning, it's been two sundays in a row where the quiet time i did on monday conincided withthe message on Sunday. It just scares me into awe at the centrality of the message and it's consistency and how God will speak to you clear and loud. I'm not a regular quiet timer. But i've been trying to do that this year. And i mus tsay that it's been shockingly clear the message he has for me.

Well i'll just give short brief of the two messages and the following quiet time material. As for the impact they have on me wel that's personal for the time being.

Last week our church began a new series on ACTS, the account of Luke of the acts of the apostles.
ANd last weeks message started form Acts 1. of which pastor Paul titled, Barnacle Scraping the Church.
Acts is the account of the apostles and the activities of the first churches. It is the shining light as to what all churches should be. And rightfully so, over and over i hear of people christian and non christian turned away from the Lord because of the way they see the church rather than because they have not seen God. I suppose it's all linked, if people can't see God in the church, then obviously they don't see God in it's people and the message preached.
Well then, th strength of Luke's account is that he is not narrating but chronicling. he is a doctor, keen on details and he writes Acts as a means of detailing the first phase of the church to set an authoritative and truthful statement of the work of Christ and the Spirit after the Ascension.
The church therefore should be a Spirit Empowered church.
In so doing, it will be
1. a church empowered by the Spirit to evangelise
2. a church empowered by weakness
3. a church empowered through the spirit to be what Jesus wants it to be

Sadly i've lost my bible, very bad, so i can't really quote that freely, i really ought to get a digital bible. but a the end of Luke in chpt 24 verses 45-48, we read of Christs promise of the holy spirit as well as the path set out for them. He talks about the fulfilment of the prophecies that the word is to be spread to the world. In that time, Rome was the centre of the western world and gateway to the rest of the world. So by the spirit, the word went to Rome and from there spread rapidly out. what can we take from this?Only that the spirit empowers us to do one thing and that is to establish a Kingdom that awaits Jesus's return. We are to expect and hope the spirit to empower us to evangelise, not to gain knowledge of the scriptures but to preach. Just as the likes of moses and elijah prayed not for knowledge but the ability to speak of God's word likewise we should pray that the spirit will guide our tongues and actions to speak of God.

Secondly, we can only be empowered through the Spirit in weakness. In Acts 4:12-13, the sanhedrin and pharisees saw that peter and john were 'untrained and uneducated' yet spoke with such authority. while they wil not admit it they saw the Spirit in these men. Thus is the character of the Spirit and of God that they will shine greatest through weakness. Those who claim and show to be strong are nothing but hiding the fact that they are removed from God. Famous examples are David, Gideon and Stephen the matyr. All of them through weakness showed the power of God to overcome the odds and to stare death in the face and yet rely on God's love.
Also, strength as we know it is a worldly standard. The word wil not spread by worldly means and by wordly standards but by the spirit and it will only show strongly if we admit our weakness and realy on the spirit to empower us to do our duties. only then can we evangelise with conviction. Also pride in institutions and worldly expectations weakens our faith in God. Emphasise of pride in traditions, individuals just causes us toe lose faith in God and to put our faith in worldly things that wil fade ultimately. But to put our faith in God and to rely on the empowerment of the Spirit si all that we need.
Finally we are empowered by the Spirit to be what Jesus wants us to be.
Rathe self explanatory. we can tell ourselves what we want to be, successful, smart etc. but these things are worldly wants and not what jesus has in mind. Doing his will requires of us to rely on teh spirit to guide us. Only where the spirit is is teh word effective.

The quiet time that i did the monday after that sermon was about leading a life isolated form jesus. Am I constantly aware that the Holy Spirit is in me and that i should rely on it to guide me? or am i using too much of my mind and my worldly knowledge to go about life?Am i humanly holy? like the pharisess, holy through knowledge and acts but lacking in faith? Is my life empowered by the spirit? And sometimes i'm really sure that it isn't.

yup have to go now i've got a 11 oclock lect and it's already 10!!!

more on yesterday's sermon later.

ciao!

Okay most recently had a short session of archery and i'm glad to say i'm actually grouping pretty well. half dozen score of 54 marred by a stupid 7 but 3 in the gold! so altogether not bad.
Had freshers' fayre on tuesday hawking off myself to all the newbies and telling what a great club the archery club is and what friendly people. In fact we even came up with a great slogan to get jocks to join our otherwise geeky club. yes that's right we're geeky. anyhow it goes: we SHOOT! WE SCORE! a referenc to the weekly sports party in teh union called Score but if you don't get it nmind ignore this.
Right right erm edinburgh. Edinburgh was wonderful. very much like york, steeped in history. A very colourful one at that.
The most unforgettable memory i'll have is walking up the royal mile to edinburgh castle and the whole city was filled with bagpipe music because it was a sunny day so the buskers were out. It was incredible. Also i've bought 2 CDs of bagpipe music. heh so NEXT year when i live in halls. any dude or dudette want to annoy the hell out of me with their loud music will have to contend with Amazing Grace by the Royal Scottish Dragoons at 0730 hours in the morning. Well the irony of the title of the song is funny though heh. I'll give them some grace.
Also i thnk yo urarely get cities that have high land and the sea within reach of each other. to stand on Arthur's Seat and look out over the city and then to the sea is breath taking. nothing short of awe in God. People say you need ot retreat to nature to see the glory of the Lord's creation i disagree. It's you come to places like edinburgh and stand on a hill top and lok down on the city and realise that no matter how far we've come, mountains still tower over our sky scrapers, barriers still stand in our way and what we've taken 5 millenia to achieve, God far superseeded with just a thought.
It was also really good to visit edinburgh coz it was the heartland of the british reformation and to learn more about John Knox. Powerful as a preacher he was his grave puts everything in perspective. In many ways, John Knox was as powerful as Oliver Cromwell the man who beheaded Charles the 1st. His sermons against the catholic church and the harlot mary queen of scots (not my own words) were rousing messages or reform. HOwever, his grave is now carpark 23 behind St.Giles cathedral in Edinburgh, marked by a white square of paint. But on teh otherhand, for all my admiration of his firebrand ways and gift of oration, John Knox was somehow who had little space for forgiveness. I think that in that time there was a need to be highly straightforward and abrasive, but his political goals mixed with religion and ultimately culminated in his successful campaign to have Mary beheaded for being nothing more than a catholic. Sad isn't it. It's funny when you realise that the only religion to actualy carry (and it's a religion not just a religious leader) a jihad, or unbridled genocide and murder is Christianity. (i draw no lines between protestants and catholics at this point). It's very easy to take a puritan stand ad just gun down anyone. i think it's importnat to hold uncompromisable beliefs. that there are no grey areas. but the love of the lord should show. his compassion should show. his mercy should show through me. i'm not very compassionate. forgiving maybe, but i am rathe vehement in my beliefs shoudl i tamper them for the sake of love for my fellow man?

well on to uni. on wednesday we had our first trainig session of the year and it was MAYHEM. 70 first year turn up to learn how to shoot. and I must say i just can't delegate. i should have jsut given someone else the field captain post coz i was really not able to coach and supervise at the same time. made a few bad call which people were rather unhappy about. and though they tell meto take it easily i guess from my background it's hard not to. but i am learning a thing or two about taking criticism. it's not bad, it's constructive so never dismiss it.

yeah. right back to work.

Yep uni has finally started and i must say it's gotten off to a really LOUSY start.
Let'se see.
Okay was shopping on saturday at tesco and while we were at the must stop waiting to go to town this young punk shouted at us "excuse me, speak english please". so yeah one of your typically yobs dressed in the national uniform of umbro track suit and addidas shoes and fake sports cap.
the little bugger could have been no older than 16 and he was smoking, had tattoos and was spitting and littering all over the place. one of his similarly dressed friends apologised for him but honestly i just wanted to ask him to get an education first. anyhow he promptly proceeded to ask us to help him break a pound coin. i mean the audacity, you insult me then ask for my help. i don't know but i still searched my wallet. of course i was ready to just wallop him if he made a move for my wallet but dunno why i even bothered in the first place.

Anyhow if my day couldn't get worse the bus came 10 min later a bus came and my bus was behind it. i was walking towards when i felt something hitting me then things landing on the ground. i looked down and saw broken eggs. i was thinking ' eggs? eggs? i didn't buy eggs did i?' then one of the other people in the bus stop motioned to us to move away coz the eggs were coming from above. turns out that a group of kids were throwing eggs at the three of us (asian students). when we moved towards our bus they crammed into the rear window and tried to open it to throw more eggs.

well at least i saw the funny side to the whole thing. 1stly the first guy will probably end up an alcoholic with a scarred liver, dying in his own filth in some council flat having lost his wife to a better man. And the 2nd group of kids well, they obviously belong to the UK's new generation of geniuses that don't even know how to be proper rascists. i mean use rotten egss at the very least if you want to pelt someone. heck use stones if you really want to get your point across. and i see that the soccer hooligan culture is strong and alive.

Yan said something really true yesterday. you know how you always think non-white people are the crime problems? well i've got news for you, here in the UK i fell safer with someone who isn't white than with a white guy. Proud of binge drinking, proud for being rude and offish. minority?
i daren't say NAY.

right anyhow. i ended my edinburgh holiday earlier by half a day to rush back to campus to sign up for my Principles of Finance course. Seemed simple enough. Well surprise i check on saturday, sunday and monday and lo and behold. NOTHING! i go to the undergraduate office and the lady recognizes me and tells me she's doing it right now. i meet a few of my friends later and find out Mai had just signed up that morning and she could access the course already. And I STILL COULDN'T. at the time of writing i still can't access the website. i'm about to go balistic.

Well as if monday couldn't get worse, the weather turns from cloudless and hot to cold with showers. as a result my backpack and jeans and pair of underwear, which i've been trying to get dry for 3 days coz they keep dropping on the ground and i need to wash it again, got wet after being nearly dry and i confidently left them out while i went to uni. damn you bbc weather.
but that ain't the worse, i find out at my 4pm lecture that i have a 9am seminar on tuesday. YIPPEE. make no mistake my next lecture in that day is at 4pm. whoop de doo.

sigh... i just hope the term get's better. at least i've secured my textbooks and my room and therefore the base of my operations is coming back into order.

well i'll blog about yesterday's message a little later.
oh yeah new fresher in church. heh. cute one too heh BUAHAHAHA!!!
right off to bed now. tried exercising today. just way too UNFIT. alex even commented that i look bigger. i.e. FAT.