My life, my dominion

i am so losing it right now.
i admit it i am going crazy about the money that hasn't arrived.
And while i sometimes think that i've got over the craze i start thinking that God will then reward my turn in faith and peace with the damnned cheque. of which he has most obviously not and i dro pback into despair.
of course then i go do quiet time to day and it's about not languishing in God's blessing but to realise that the life of faith is all there is to it. we get some blessings initially but ultimately it's not about God buying our faith.
i'm just confused i'm at the point where i have NO idea what i'm thinking. my head is always thikning two thoughts at the same time and palying mind games with myself and setting llittle personal paradoxes. i'm no schizo, i don't ahve voices in my head but i'm doing a heck of a good job talking to myself in multiple personalities.
couple that with the fact that i'm getting nowhere with my conomics work and this is worrying the heck out of me coz basically i can't afford to screw up my grades.
i'm really going out of my mind at the moment. i've prayed tried praying, i'm really tired and confused and very distracted. All this while i've basically been living a fatalistic life trusting that God will make my choices work out, right now i dont' ahve choices i'm just totally lost and flaggergasted and fish out of water, i want to shout scream and just throw myself against the wall but i don't have anything to do it through. i'm increasingly losing my cool during archery, i'm shooting like crap. i'm getting annoyed by everything. i really really really need His peace now. i've asked for it i'm not getting it or amybe i'm just not accepting; there you see what's happening? i'm second guessin myself to the point it's unbearable.
HELP!

Labels: Diary