My life, my dominion

Human contact is something that no one can do without. the degree of that contact is something we cannot control. But what is definite is that we all need it and the more we get the better.

Just like how babies need the sound of their mother's heartbeat for the first two years of their lives to help them calm down in this mad a chaotic world of ours.

Conversastions are all something that we can all fall into. How often have we begun talking ot someone and even if it's the most inane of all topics you just don't want to put down the receiver. Even when all is quiet you don't want to stop. It's not a "moment" neither are you in love, but its is the connection with the other party that you crave.

Conversations are sweet. Ever tried a hug? On that semi-hand shake that equates well to a holding of hands. YOu are not after nor do you want the person, you just need the human touch.

We need to share everything, pain, joy, woes or celebration. Why? Are we not the selfish back stabbing species where personal survival is more important than the preservation of the herd? Is sharing a problem a weakness? Is sharing joy letting someone in on a potential gold mine?
Yes, we all know that humans are social creatures and we need other humans to make our lives complete but what about that thing we so cherish nowadays? Personal space? Or perhaps we are just afraid to admit that without others around to protect us we feel more than vulnerable, we feel so afraid.

There are many types of hugs. There's the A-hug where the bodies of the two people form an A. Friendly, but still distant hug. There's the manly see who can out pound the other where the two participants beat the breathe out of their opponents by hammering the back of the other. There's the touch and go where for a split second there the closest of contact a kiss on the cheek and then one becomes two again. Polite but oh so insincere. There's the embrace to no-where where lost in space in time two people are practically conjoined like siames twins at various parts.

The hug a very interesting phenomenon.

Have you had your hug today?

Who ever thought the sun will come crashing down
My life in flames
My tears complete the pain
We fear the end, the dark as deep as river bed
My book of life incomplete without you here
Alone I sit and reminisce
Sometimes I miss your touch
Your kiss, your smile
And meanwhile you know I never cry
'Cause inside you know our love will never ever die
(Chorus):
Everything's gonna be alright (yeah)
Everything's gonna be OK (no doubt)
Everything's gonna be alright
Together we can take this one day at a time
Can you take my breath away (yeah)
Can you give him life today? (no doubt)
'Cause everything's gonna be OK
I'll be your strength
I'll be here when you wake up
Take your time
And I'll be here when you wake up (ha ha)
I never thought my heart will miss a single beat
Caress your hand as I watch you while you sleep
So smooth
I weep as I search within
To find a cure to bring you back again
And the sun will rise
Open up your eyes
Suprised just a blink
Of an eye
I try, I try to be positive
You're a fighter so fight
Wake up and live
(Repeat Chorus)
Everything's gonna be alright
(I'll wait a lifetime)
I'd give my life to only see you breathe again
Hand in hand as we walk on the white sands
To hear your voice
Rejoice as you rise and say
This is the day that I wake pray OK
Today's silence as time just moves on
You can hear it though
But I'm playing my favorite songs
I miss you much
I wish you'd come back to me
You see I waited lifetime
'Cause you're my destiny
(Repeat Chorus)
Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be OK (no doubt)
Everything's gonna be alright
Together we can take it one day at a time
Can you take my breath away? (yeah)
Can you give him life today? (no doubt)
'Cause everything's gonna be OK
I'll be your strength
I'll be here when you wake up, well I
Everything's gonna be alright (no doubt)
Everything's gonna be alright

-everything's gonna be alright-
Sweetbox

Take my hand
Feel it move
Feel your hand
Feel it move
For in this moment may this hand be yours
Yours to hold

Outstretched my hand is.
Handed over to yours.
To mould to roll.
This hand is not of my control
For in this eternity that is one short moment
It is yours

Be sure that it
Will always be there.
Time has no bearing.
It will not move
For it will always be there for your moment
To hold in your own

A while ago i mentioned that about the red haired fairy right?
Okay i konw this is going to sound so totally freaky and possibly sick but i swear i swear i totally swear that i saw her a few days ago.

Yeah i was like totally WOAH! and then she walked pass me my gosh. No i'm not some freak who goes around ogling her. I swear that she even sounded right. heh oh well.

Probably deja vu rather than an actual encounter. So yeah.
Heh, toodle loo!

This week had started off as the worst one of my life. Really really bad. Don't want to elaborate coz i dun want to ruin the rest of the evening or what left of my birthday.

Anyway, it started out bad and then i went to church for a prayer meeting and i think God really lifted my spirits.
The next day while out for lunch with my parents, then going to church then dinner with friends, i felt much better. Yeah i'm still sore but i'm okay.

Anyhow, God taught me something yesterday.
Basically, Camp isn't really a Godly place and more often than not i forget to do quiet time or totally neglect it. Sure i pray but it's something else that i do that makes things worst. I call it "Self creating God".

I think that 2nd generation Christians do face this problem. When we stop featuring God as a priority, we usually do so thinking that since we already know "our stuff" we basically can do without a day or two of devotion and time with God. What's worse, i realised that i had been substituting meditation on God's word with formulating my own answers to life. Sure in the broad sense i wasn't doing anything wrong but looking closely i realised that what i was doing was inviting the devil to input ideas into my head. What i did was thinking about God in a rational way, or rather i was using my minute knowledge of God's teaching to guide my life rather than his true word. God was calling me to come back to his word. To go back to what was true and real. And that i had been drifting.

Yup!

And well about my birthday, heh, LOTS OF MEAT!!!

Went to Lawry's and had their prime rib that was 250g of meat and boy was i stuffed. eat and eat! STUFFED FAT KID!!!! Plus they also threw in a buffet! And the food was really really GOOD! WOO HOO! Well worth the 73 bucks heh. yes yes it's exhorbitant but oh well i'ts only once a year!

LAter went for dinner, and so nice to be with friends after having to tolerate backstabbing a**holes. The genuine and sincere company of close friends. So rare and hard to find.
I'm rather conten right now. Of course there are certain things that could be better but oh well you can't win them all.

HAPPY HAPPY....

:)

I always wondered, as a guy who would make a better friend?
Girls or guys?
I have good friends of both genders so its hard to say.

It is rather hard to compare really. In some ways both genders contribute to some aspect of life.

It's really a pro and con thing. Hmm.....
Interesting.

I watched the village as i must have said before. It's pretty good. Hmm shall talk about fears soon too!

Anyway yes, so a battle of the sexes to the individual...

So let's talk about guys as friends then. Guys are.... honest or at least straight forward. Well, that's the case most of the time. And as everyone says, it's a double edged sword.

Sometimes you feel like punching the guy's teeth out coz he just doesn't know when to shut up or he just lets loose one stupid comment. On the other hand, it's kinda good when they just get it over and done with rather than keeping quiet. Things get done much faster sometimes.

Guys are disgustingly filthy. Explanation. My roommates. We come back from rolling around in the mud during a close combat lesson and the first thing they do? they walk right into the room muddy boots and all.
Then they throw their dirty uniforms all over the place. To make things worse, they dun wash their uniforms and even use it another day for another lesson. Posibbly what is more gross is that they don't even attempt to wash the mud off their uniforms, they just throw it in the washing machine, goodness, where did civic mindedness go too? AND AND they hang their disgustingly sweaty clothes in the room to air and they wear the same uniform for more that a week! GROSS. I've mentioned this all before but yeah it's gross. So that's what i ratehr detest about most guys, I can tolerate slobs coz i'm pretty much one but hygiene is another thing.

So yes guys are gross.

Now girls on the other hand are pretty much the other side of the coin. With regards to the cleanliness, well, their clean to say the least. And really, even hygiene freaks like me are pigs compared to them so that's at least one thing that can be appreciated. What else is good about them? Well their female heh. So yeah i'm male. Heh. so you get the idea...... NOT. HAHA but i think that all guys would agree with me that female companionship on whatever level is in some ways a lot nicer than guy companionship. (Maybe we're scared we might start turning gay. But on the other hand hanging out with girls might just turn one into one so yeah, one never knows)
Anyhow so the gender thing is one big factor.

But what do i really like about girls? Sensitivity. There are very very few guys i can "talk" to. I do have a few, but really, there are very very few. Girls on the other hand, well it's easier somehow. Dunno why, i suppose that even though amongst guys we thend to solve each others problems either by making lewd remarks or laughing it of with ridiculous banter. SO yeah, in some ways, being with girls does help one feel more human, while guys kinda just reinforce the fact taht we're all a bunch of organic capacitors and see how long we can charge before we suddenly unlease all the pent up frustrations in a seismic blowout.

But it is this sensitivity that makes me uncomfortable around them sometimes. Their sensitivity can lead to well simply them hiding the truth. Of course i am thankful for the tactfulness but really you can't help but wonder,' what is it that she is really thinking?', or "what is she wanting to say?".

Make no mistake, i am neither lamenting of my own gender nor am i commenting on the opposite sex. just one of my wanderings off into space. Hopefully this doesn't jeopardise the relationships i have with friends on both sides.

I believe in God the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth,
And in Jesus Christ His only son our Lord,
Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,
born of the virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, dead and buried.
He descended into Hades.
On the third day he rose from the dead.
He ascended into Heaven and sits on the right hand of God the Father Almighty.
From there he shall come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit
The Holy Christian Church,
The Communion of Saints
The Forgiveness of Sins
The Ressurection of the Body
and the Life Everlasting
Amen.

Yup that is the Apostle's creed and very succintly summarises my beliefs.

On to the break up issue.

Break ups probably surprise the outsiders than the people who involved in it. Of all the break ups i've witnessed, i have never in my life not felt surprised. Okay so sometimes they were expected but then again, they still surprised. I mean, one moment you think that everything is fine, then the next boom, the amoeba procreates. Most of the time i only find out rather late but then again, hardly anyone finds out first had unless there is what i call a "slapping incident".

So like i've said, it is the one issue that i have no idea how to talk about with other people coz i've enver experienced before (and hopefully dun have to). I wonder, what give the impetus? What is the spark? How does it progress? is it like the Big Bang where after some random reaction of nothingness BANG! and the two are now 15 billion light years apart? Or is it like siamese twins, inseparable at first but after a gruelling surgery the the pair are now individuals. And even then the result of the two different type of separations is quite different too! In the former, the feeling is totally cut, the two hardly meet, like the rare alignment of all the planets in the solar system and when they do, the encounter is brief and somewhat tension filled if not then it is just an empty brushing of shoulders. The latter is somewhat more sentimental. The two still keep in touch, the separation is painful at first but somewhat more amiable. Eventually separate routes will be taken but both will have important roles in the other.
That's all that i can theorise from all that i've seen. Nothing much else.

But that still doesn't tell me what causes break ups. I've heard many reasons. Tension and unhappiness. The feeling just fizzled out. Distance. Change of heart. Sometimes the reason is a secret even better kept than a female celebrity's weight. And it makes me wonder, what would be my reason? For that matter, is it really possible to envision a break up? I can't, sure i've discussed it a few times, i've joked about it, i've laughed off the matter but i can't really envision it. I can't simulate it neither can i think of any reason why i might. And just how do to people come to the stage where they want to break up (or at least when one of them wants to.) In the beginning, there's the "I love you's" etc and the mushy letter. THe lovey dovey commitments to fly to the moon and back and all that stuff. But if a pair were to break up, then does that mean for all that time that they were together, everything was a lie? That there were just masquerading and then finally got tired of it?

Were we kidding ourselves right from the start? For me i think that lying to another person about your feelings is possibly not as bad as lying to yourself! For all that you would invest into that relationship, all that you sacrificed, and to finally realise that it was all one big show, a play that went not according to script. I daren't not say horribly wrong, because, since we are lying then perhaps we the script was to end as such. We, perhaps, are all just got too engrossed into our charaters that we forgot the lines and storyline. We drift helplessly with the play before the final scene cuts us short.

But maybe perhaps, we imagine things. we make things so complicated that they were bound for disaster. Until we can finally have simple relationships, we really will continually botch each attempt at a good relationship. do we work that way? Do we necessarily have to burnt first before we dare taste again? I certainly hope not.

Okay before you guy start getting hysterical, i'm am not going through a break up neither am i depressed or anything, i'm just contemplating the abovementioned topic.

I've never been in a break up before.

Been rejected, had big fight, chased a girl etc. yeah so basically i've done most of the relationship things save for breaking up and i was always very intrigued by the whole business of it.

Will give it some thought and continue tmrw!

Yesh i am talking about 16 that sweet border.
And i am glad that i have crossed that mark well and truly.

No i'm not talking about turning 16 i'm talking about having run that far.

YESH YESH! i have run 16 km finally! And it HURTS LIKE HELL!!
MY gosh, mpy knees still hurt although i ran this morning, and i'm still rather winded by the experience. WOAH.

I'm pretty okay save for the fact that i'm a pretty dehydrated but yeah that's about it.

I tell oyu running long distance as i once told a friend is rather insane. WHy? coz afer about 12 km my mind was blank, i coudn't stop if i wanted to and my legs were moving on their own. What scared me most was that my legs were progressively getting more painful by the minute then individual parts got numb then all of my legs were numb and i was like in this trance like mode where i was just cruising along. Creepy right?

but well i've run it and in a pretty decent timing and i'm rather proud of myself! heh

:)
smilez!

Are we all innocent?

Or are we all guilty?

Isn't it easy to throw such one liners heh.

But really, the notion of innocent until proven guilty struck me some time ago basically because I was in a whole lot of trouble. So i began to think about how this related to me.

All the wrongs that we commit. How many of them are pre meditated? Many a time, the "wrong" could have been a simple mistake due to to carelessness. Or perhaps, it was a wrong of convenience, where at the point of time it was the only thing that could have been done. And then there are times where the wrongs that we did are purely unintentional. Where all we did was do as we were told or do what we thought was "right" and we end up being burned at the stake.

Sure, there the scum of society who are the schemers who plot the downfall of good folk like you and me. And perhaps we might even see ourselves in those shoes but really, we aren't that bad, we don't deliberately do wrong. Or do we, is it possible that all our choices that lead to "trouble" are all carefully thoght out concepts that eventually end in execution of the dastardly deed?

Think carefully. Let me bring to you a new concept. Are we all really as innocent as we would like to think? We all have free choice. The freedom to think as we please and to choose the course of action that we pick. In fact, no one can argue that the decisions we make will directly affect our actions. Therefore, our conciousness is played out in our actions. Which can only mean one thing. By our actions we display our deepest intent.

So are we really innocent until proven guilty or is it the other way round?
Is there really a degree to killing? Be it murder or self defense, it still involves the ending of a life, a life that belonged to someone else.
And how about theft, no matter how small or large the amount stolen, how can the weight of the wrong doing be weighed by the amount? Is stealing 10 from a kid any different from embezzling millions? It's still wrong, and the effect might be totally different, the millions could have just lined someone elses bulging pockets while the 10 dollars may have been all the kid had for a month. We never really know. But what we do know but never admit is that our actions are all concious decisions that act upon whatever stimulus that exists.

So in actual fact, we are guilty until proven innocent. When accused of something, there must have been some past action that prompted to suspect. When blamed for something small, one cannot deny because one did do something wrong, one did it in full knowledge and with premeditated steps, one cannot run away from that fact.

We are all guilty. Guilty from birth till the day we die. We are guilty.