My life, my dominion

I am angry at God.
So warning, if you don't want to hear me blaspheme and possibly condemn my soul to the depths of hell for committing the unpardonable sin i suggest you avert thy eyes and not look onwards.
If you do want to see the absolutely degradation of my brain and soul as i waste away in despair and absolute hopelessness then do feel free to feed your macabre tastes.

Why am I angry at God.
I suppose it's because my life has slowly degenerated into a quagmire of hell. It is joyless, full of anxiety, cold, lacking in motivation.
As deadlines loom over head and the ever pressing goal of the first class honours seems further and furthe away and as i continue to NOT get my work, the added strains of a life that has a schedule but refuses to follow it is weighing down on my psyche and forcing me to break point.
As far as i can remember, there are two things that get on my nerves uncontrollably, irresponsibility and failure of plans.
The 2nd i have somewhat come to let go because of the people i interact with i've adopted a slightly more laissez faire attitude to life. But the 2nd one is what's killing me.

I need order in life. i don't have the most tidy of rooms but there is order. i have different coloured files for different modules. my shelf has different sections for different books. my drawers are filled with different things.
My life is a timetable filled with wake up times, sleep times, bus times, when to eat when to be where (largely just be in the library). I plan where i should be when i should be. if something crops up i rearrange the plan but i've enough leeway that things usually stuck.
I plan ahead, i save money for time i know i'll ahve to spend it.
All this keeps me calm. it keeps me sane. i know what i will be doing here and there.

And in the process of writing this some of my anger has abated as i see the errors of my ways.
But point being that basically since the start of term my life has been a living hell splashed with little instance of false hope.
I'm at that point in life where on a minute level similar to Job i think God's just playing a collossal joke on me. YOu ge a silver lining here and there and after that it just pours on your birthday (figuratively).
So while i KNOW that i should trust God with my life right now it's just so messed up that i really dunno what to do.
It's just so frustrating. i just want to SCREAM. but i don't ahve anywhere to do it.
Right now everything has gone pear shaped
the money issue is driving me nuts
it made all the small things that happening to me worse that they are and they in turn are reminidng me about my misery and i remember the money issue.
I pray for rest, i pray for release from the binds of money. i have been praying but nothing's happening? i did feel better when i tithed but right now i'm even thinking about it on Sunday in church. i'll be singing a hymn and then i'd drift of to thinking about where my money is.
i'm really tired from all this. i just want rest.

Labels: Diary