My life, my dominion

Just had youth camp where we played our usual game of underground church.
A brief intro, underground church is a game of pretend to give campers a glimpse into the terrors that are faced by Christians in some countries.
I basically play the role of a torturer. The campers are given the impossible of having to combine bits of a bible verse together without talking to each other. When they are caught breaking that rule they get called to my chambers.

I just talked. I shouted a bit, okay so i did shout REALLY loudly. But really I didn't shout at them directly i always shouted away oh well yeah you get the idea.

And while we do make some of the kids cry, basically my hit rate was getting a bit high, like 100%.
Then came to this particular girl, i really didn't know what went wrong (the main reason is a contact lense affected by a blindfold). I still don't really.

Well anyway back to this girl. So yeah, it's like along story. So.... ermmm. okay she doesn't know me that well i don't know her that well and i'm just generally nice to her (she's only 14 for crying out loud). Then that day of the game i had written her a encouragement card (small note of encourgaement).

So she came to my station, and well she always seemed slightly more mature so i well did my thing.

I really don't know what happened, but well she started to cry. I stopped it at there and told her that she could go. She then walked off. I called out to her cause i usually explain that everything i did was part of the game and well not to be taken to heart. Then yeah well i then sensed hat something wasn't right.

Later after the game i apologised to those that i tortured ( i only talked, never touched them) and somehow this just added to the problem that i had created.

I wanted to apologise to her personally but then she walked away again and this time aparently started crying in the toilet with some other girls.

Under some girl's advice i decided to leave things and just not mention it anymore. which i did.
Strangely later that night while everyone was together, she came up to me and we had a short chat about the thing and other nonsense, and i suppose she was really okay.
I still feel guilty for what i did, just glad that no permanent scars were left.

But well it did affect me quite a bit, and some of the others said that perhaps i'm the one who's more traumatised. largely cause i haven't done anything similar in about 5 years, the last time being at the sec 1 camp where i was a peer support leader.

I suppose couple of years back i would have relished the fact that my words alone i could dive people to tears. But no i don't like it one bit. I don't the fact that it's in me, i don't the fact that i can do such a thing to others. It's almost like i saw a demon growing in me. WHile i planned what i would say it all ended up coming out of it more 'perfect' that i had wanted. I don't know, it's all very confusing right now. I always thought I wasn't capable of such things. Seems like i am....
I don't know. I'm just glad i'm forgiven (i think).